bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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