I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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