from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
