is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
