I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
