Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
