Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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