I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
