Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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