you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize