i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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