dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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