You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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