I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize