If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I did not marry a roomba.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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