i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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