new low.... made out with someone while peeing
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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