i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
