What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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