It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
