i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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