My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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