I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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