peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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