I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
no, he came in my armpit
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
