4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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