you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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