WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize