i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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