i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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