I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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