then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
