we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
