just tell him i said nine months
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
FUCK WHALES
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
