I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
