I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
