a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
