I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
