She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
