I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
