I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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