Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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