I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
