Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just found a bag of teeth...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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