went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
