Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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