im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
