the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
from now on my penis is your penis
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
how drunk are you?
Several
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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