is your mom at the bar?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
