Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
