Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
