I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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