I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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