i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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