I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
People in love make me want to vomit
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize