He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
