dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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