You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
