His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
