At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize