you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
