dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
either way he was missing a nipple.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
not ubering you a puppy
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I love you.
Bad choice
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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